Eps. 24 | Relationship Essentials: Love, Respect, & Boundaries

This video is about kaylaWhat makes a relationship healthy and lasting?
In Episode 24 of the EmpowerND Podcast, we explore the foundations of strong relationships, including communication, mutual respect, trust, healthy boundaries, and recognizing both positive and unhealthy relationship patterns.
Whether you're dating, married, supporting a friend, or simply looking to build healthier connections, this conversation offers practical insights and encouragement for every stage of life.
💜 In this episode, we discuss:
• The key ingredients of healthy relationships
• Why boundaries matter
• Respect, trust, and effective communication
• Recognizing red flags and healthy behaviors

NATIONAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE AT 1−800−799−7233
Or TTY 1−800−787−3224
Or THE LOCAL HOTLINE 1-888-225-4506. 

Learn more about Women Empowering Women on our website at wewnetwork.org

The EmpowerND Podcast is hosted by Women Empowering Women, a membership based non-profit organization dedicated to connecting, supporting, and educating women. Through community, events, and resources, Women Empowering Women helps women grow, build confidence, and explore their potential, supporting them every step of the way as they become the best version of themselves. To learn more about Women Empowering Women’s projects or how to become a member, visit wewnetwork.org.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Welcome back to Empower Indie Podcast. This podcast creates a space for honest conversations about health, well-being, and community resources to help people in southwestern North Dakota live healthy, equal lives. The Empower Indie Podcast is produced by Women Empowering Women, a nonprofit organization dedicated to connecting, supporting, and educating women to help them become the best versions of themselves. To become a member or learn more, visit wewnetwork.org. Today we're joined by Kayla from the Domestic Violence Rape Crisis Center for an important conversation about healthy relationships. Together we talk about what healthy love and support can look like, how to recognize red flags, why boundaries matter, and how people can reach out for help if something does not feel right. Let's get started. Kayla, would you mind introducing yourself and sharing a little bit about the your role at Dickinson Domestic Violence and Rape Crisis Center?

SPEAKER_00 1:03

Yeah, um, I am Kayla Messel and I have been at DVRCC for 15 years. Um our wonderful leader, Darianne, is actually retiring in September. So in September, I will be taking over as the director. Awesome. Yeah. Congratulations. Thank you for the last 15 years. I've been a case manager.

unknown 1:25

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 1:26

Many people don't realize a relationship can be unhealthy long before it becomes obviously harmful. What are some everyday signs of a relationship that is truly unhealthy?

SPEAKER_00 1:35

Right. Okay, so um financial control is one of the biggest red flags that you're gonna see. Um, a lot of times individuals will come and they've not had access to any sort of um like bank account or credit card, anything. And truly, if you're in a healthy relationship, you should be able to have that trust and um be able to go buy yourself some groceries if you need groceries without having to answer as to why you bought what you did. Um, isolation is huge, um, like isolating you from family and friends, um, asking you to quit your job to stay at home with the kids. Um, believe me, I understand that there's a lot of people that love that. Um, but you should never be like felt guilty or be forced into having to do that. Um, that should be up to you and your decision. Um there's a bunch of other pieces that can go into like the fear and the control. Um, that all kind of starts before it ever gets physical. Um, people oftentimes think too domestic violence means it has to be physical, right? Well, actually it doesn't. There's all those other factors that take place far before that physical. And um a lot of them are the threats. Um, like if you don't do X, Y, Z, then this will happen. Right. Um, or just plain simple control of like when you leave the house, when you don't leave the house, the constantly being watched. Um, and then typically like after all of that, then starts the physical. Once that's kind of wore its way and you maybe start to like fight back or say, like, no, I'm not gonna do that. Um, then they kind of turn to that physical for the control.

SPEAKER_01 3:23

Okay, so what does respect look like in the small everyday moments of a relationship?

SPEAKER_00 3:29

Um, so respect in a relationship should look just like respect with a friend or with a family member. Um, you should never feel scared to be in their presence. You should never be scared to have any sort of conversation that might require, you know, a little bit more of a um heated conversation kind of thing. Um you know, just respect really can be a very broad um area, but but you should never be called like bad names, anything like that. Degrading that's huge in um unhealthy relationships is uh the degrading, the name calling, the um I'm not gonna say any of the words here, but you name it and we've heard it as far as what people are called.

SPEAKER_01 4:23

What should love never require someone to give up?

SPEAKER_00 4:27

Anything. You should really never have to give up anything that you love or desire for anyone, um especially things that are super important to you.

SPEAKER_01 4:41

So tell me kind of um what unlearning healthy unhealthy patterns would be. So if someone grew up around yelling, control, silence, or walking on eggshells, how can they begin to understand what healthy conflict and respect should look like?

SPEAKER_00 4:55

Good question. Um, generational abuse, that's a very real thing. Um, majority of the individuals that we have conversation with about like what was your childhood like, they can oftentimes resonate with the way their relationship is now. Um, so either they heard like mom and dad fighting or they themselves were a victim of like sexual abuse as a child, um, you know, whatever the situation might be, it's kind of what you grow up knowing and learning, and then your brain just tells you that that's normal and that's how life should be. And, you know, until you get to a point in your life where you've either gotten like the help or the therapy to help retrain your brain that that's not normal and you don't have to live that way. Um, it's really hard to break that cycle.

SPEAKER_01 5:46

So, when someone has never seen a healthy relationship modeled, what are they most likely to misunderstand about love?

SPEAKER_00 5:55

Good question. So, I also think that Hollywood really um does a good job of masking a lot of that stuff too. Um you know, and that's gonna be different for everyone, truly. I think as long as you're safe, happy, and feel important and respected, I think, you know, that's basically what you need to look for.

SPEAKER_01 6:24

I think that in this um time there's been a lot more awareness about like toxic relationships and healthy habits. And I've noticed, at least with my own kids, that um as they're like becoming teenagers and they're looking for for you know partners and stuff, that they have shown me a lot of like even watching movies, you know, we'll watch old like Disney movies and stuff, and they're like pointing out the really toxic behaviors that these couples have in it and and like making fun of it because they're like, why is this okay? And like, why would they make movies about this? And so, even as kids, like even if it's not your family that you're getting that from, like you said, Hollywood, you're getting it from a lot of the movies and stuff too. Yeah, so like even you know, the Disney movies have a lot of toxic behaviors in in those relationships.

SPEAKER_00 7:20

They do a lot of it, like it all comes back to the power and control, right? And yeah, I've noticed that too with a lot of like going back and watching shows that as a kid you didn't really notice those things right now as an adult, you're like, oh wow, okay.

SPEAKER_01 7:34

And I didn't even notice until like my kids are pointing it out.

SPEAKER_00 7:37

Yeah, but that's great. That's right, kids are like at least they're recognizing that, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 7:41

Yeah, but it's a lot more talked about, correct? And so then they're understanding that that's not okay. Right. Yeah, which is good.

SPEAKER_02 7:49

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01 7:51

So, can a relationship feel intense or exciting and still not be healthy? How can someone tell the difference?

SPEAKER_00 7:57

Yeah, I mean, nobody goes into a relationship without that exciting factor, you know, and thinking that this is gonna be great, this is gonna make me happy, um, and then just not seeing the signs. Sometimes people from the outside can see it before you can see it. And um, you know, it's it's not just as easy as up and leaving once you do see that.

SPEAKER_01 8:24

Well, and I think that a lot of people don't realize that there's an actual hormone reaction when you get that excitement, so then it can become kind of addicting too. Like you get a little bit of a rush, and so then that is something that you chase after. Right. So knowing that it's toxic and it's unhealthy, going back oftentimes is because you do get relief because you get that hormone rush when you have the excitement or you have the the making up, you know, and so then that just makes the cycle worse.

SPEAKER_00 8:56

Right. You get a lot of the honeymoon phase with that, the breaking up, then you get the honeymoon phase, then the breakup.

SPEAKER_01 9:01

And that's also hormonal. Yeah. Like your body is giving you hormones that makes you think that that's a good thing.

SPEAKER_00 9:07

Right.

SPEAKER_01 9:07

Or that it's gonna help.

SPEAKER_00 9:09

Right.

SPEAKER_01 9:09

And even though your brain is telling you it's temporary and the same thing's gonna happen again, you're seeking that comfort of of getting that hormone rush of comfort.

SPEAKER_00 9:21

Yeah. Well, and who wouldn't want to believe, you know, when somebody's like, I'm sorry, and I'll never do it again. And I didn't mean to, I mean, I don't know anybody that wouldn't want to believe that of somebody that they love, you know.

SPEAKER_01 9:34

So what do people often mistake for love, passion, loyalty, or commitment that may actually be unhealthy?

SPEAKER_00 9:42

Um, obsessions. That's very common. Um you know, when somebody's like obsessed with you, it kind of feels good because like you're their world, you're their everything. Um, and then that's kind of like when the isolation will start. Um, because they've made you their world and now they expect you to make them their world. Um so yeah, I would say it all starts there.

SPEAKER_01 10:07

What is the difference between healthy conflict and conflict that slowly makes someone feel small, afraid, or unheard?

SPEAKER_00 10:14

The degrading, yeah. Um, you should never feel degraded ever. Um, I know people sometimes say things that they don't always mean, but if it's a consistent thing, then it's not anything that they're obviously remorseful for.

SPEAKER_01 10:31

How can someone tell if they're communicating or if they're constantly begging someone to care?

SPEAKER_00 10:38

Well, if you're communicating, it should mean that the other person is listening. And if they're actually listening, in theory, they shouldn't do it again. Um so I would think that obviously with communication would come change.

SPEAKER_01 10:53

And I think that um when you're communicating, you start to recognize your own behavior and you realize it'll stop you. And when someone's expressed that something you did bothered them previously, you should stop and then reflect why am I about to do this or why do I feel like I should do this or say this. Right. And then communicate what you're feeling in that moment so that the other person knows what they did to try and to get you there or to trigger you to be have that reaction in the first place. Right. And so then when you communicate that way and you can stop yourself and you can talk through it, then the other person also knows why you're behaving that way or why you feel like you need to say or do that.

SPEAKER_02 11:37

Right.

SPEAKER_01 11:37

And then they also can change what they're doing, you know, and it shouldn't have to be that one person changes all the time, but you should be able to kind of bounce those ideas off of each other and talk about it and then change as a couple, you know, and in a respectful way. Yeah. Yeah. But it's okay to to recognize, like, oh, I was about to say this, and they already said that they didn't like that. And then on, you know, try to digest and figure out why you were about to say that again. And then talk to them about it.

SPEAKER_02 12:08

Yep.

SPEAKER_01 12:08

Because that way you can move forward.

SPEAKER_02 12:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 12:10

And I think having that safety and space to do that is where a lot of communication lacks, is that they're not safe enough to feel like they can do that.

SPEAKER_00 12:21

Always scared of the repercussions, yes. Yep.

SPEAKER_01 12:25

And it might not even be that it might be like the you know, the cycle that they've been in their whole life with family, yeah. That that's why they are afraid to to communicate. Well, the other person feels that. You know, so then their behavior changes too because they can feel that you're holding back or you're not saying what you are thinking, or you know, your behavior is different.

SPEAKER_00 12:47

Right.

SPEAKER_01 12:48

Okay, so how does a healthy partner respond when they're told no or I'm not comfortable with that?

SPEAKER_00 12:55

A healthy partner should just plain and simple respect that end of question.

SPEAKER_01 13:01

How can someone tell the difference between a boundary and an attempt to control another person?

SPEAKER_00 13:07

Well, I mean, everybody has different boundaries. Um obviously, if you have set boundaries and you are uncomfortable at all with like somebody pushing those boundaries, then that's that's crossing the line and that's then control. Um, and your partner should always respect your boundaries regardless of what they feel too.

SPEAKER_01 13:30

What does privacy look like in a healthy relationship? Phones, passwords, location, etc.

SPEAKER_00 13:36

Good question. So life through 60 is like the big bad these days that and like sharing your iPhone location. Um if you are a hundred percent good with that, that's great. But if somebody does it without telling you or it's being done because they want to know where you're at at all times, then that's that's a control thing. That's not just um, you know, being concerned. Yeah. Um, so truly, if you have any of those things that you did not consent to, that's that's uh cross the line then at that point and it's control. Right.

SPEAKER_01 14:15

I think that happens even like with our kids. I have to like watch myself with that because I am wanting to know where they are for safety reasons. Right. But then I do catch myself sometimes like, what are they doing? And that's not a healthy boundary, you know. That's that's something that they should not have to worry about, like me wondering where they are all the time.

SPEAKER_00 14:36

Yeah. I mean, it's a it's a trust thing, right? In a healthy relationship, you should have trust.

SPEAKER_01 14:41

It's a tool also for like it alerts if there's an accident and things like that, you know. So it should be used for that. Right. But even as parents, I have to catch myself too.

SPEAKER_00 14:50

Oh, yeah, it's hard, and that's how everything is going nowadays. Your location is on everything.

SPEAKER_01 14:56

Yeah. Okay, so how can someone tell if they're being supported versus being controlled?

SPEAKER_00 15:03

Um, I would say that kind of goes back to like the boundaries and stuff. If somebody is respecting your boundaries and what you want, then um, you know, you should get that supported feeling. But if it's that they're maybe putting down your ideas or what you want in life, then you know that's obviously not being supported.

SPEAKER_01 15:26

And how can someone know if they're compromising in a healthy way versus slowly abandoning themselves?

SPEAKER_00 15:34

Compromise should never require you to completely give up something. Compromise should be both parties listening. You might have to give a little, might have to take a little, but it should be an equal, mutual decision. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 15:50

So what are something that uh someone who's listening who is realizing that something in their relationship may not feel right? What is one safe first step they can make this week, whether that is learning more, talking to someone they trust, or reaching out to DVRCC for support?

SPEAKER_00 16:08

Yeah. Um, so I'm not a huge like just Google it fan, but there are lots of articles that you can read or, you know, just type your feelings into, and there's articles that will help to validate your feelings and um on that, but also ask a friend, ask a family member. Um, or obviously there's our services and it's a free and confidential line. So people can call, they don't have to identify themselves, they don't have to do any of that, and they can simply just ask, like, is what I'm experiencing quote unquote normal? Or should I be having these kinds of feelings after I say something? Um, I mean, we're 24-7, so you can always call, and there's always someone there. Right.

SPEAKER_01 16:55

Okay, thank you, Kayla, for being here and for walking us through uh this conversation with so much care. Healthy relationships are not just about avoiding harm, they're about feeling safe, respected, heard, and free to be yourself. Until next time, stay informed, stay empowered, and we will see you on the next Empower Indie Podcast.